If you’re reading this blog first, I am a kidnap rape and torture survivor who overcame the hardcore addiction that resulted from the trauma. It was an ordeal that lasted a good 8 months before I escaped. I had my attacker’s child. This is my story about open adoption.
The last 2 months of my first pregnancy were so peaceful and stable. I was saved. I escaped. I was in shock. Passive. Mild. Calm. I even picked up Eckhart Tolle’s “The Power of Now” now and then. But it was a very superficial thing at the time.
I was still suffering from stockholm syndrome, at first. But it didn’t take long for me to realize just how bad I fucked up. Started having PTSD about what happened. Bad. I didn’t tell anyone the extent of it. The shame. Anxiety. Guilt. Self hate. Disgust. Embarrassment.
How do I ever come back from something like that?
I was intent on one thing that put all that in the back of my mind, however. I was going to find a stable, strong family to raise my daughter. I was going to place her for an open adoption. I did not deserve to raise her. I was not going to be selfish and pretend I had a chance at giving her happiness, just so I could have her. I loved her more than that. And I could recognize in myself, and have the strength to admit, that I wasn’t fit to raise her. Which was more responsible, raising her in my state or choosing a couple that’s ready for her? I knew my choice. It was the one thing that gave me self esteem. That made me worth something. She was going to have an amazing life because of me. I hope she will one day forgive me for my part in her pre-natal treatment. It was the very worst aspect of my trauma. To know I put my kid through that.
The best part? I get to see her grow up. She knows me. That girl is just. like. ME! OMG!
And… So is my son. He was the reason I started to trying to get clean. However… I relapsed more times than I like to admit. I was afraid to get help because I thought they would lock me up. But they didn’t. And I did. Methadone was prescribed.
That day, I went and got the ohm symbol tattoo so I would always remember how I got to where I am today. Inner peace. The perfect pair with the semi-colon tattoo on my other wrist, that I got on the day I decided never to do drugs again. I am complete. I am whole. I am grateful for my scars as well. They remind me of my strength. What I survived. No one can fuck with me because I’m no longer afraid. I healed myself. No external thing was needed for this to happen. Just a deep, experiential understanding of my identity as awareness. I didn’t have to be the addict anymore. I got in touch with the stillness within. Same place you go to when you pray. When you meditate. When you see something beautiful, or someone you love. It changes your reactions. It changes your attitude. It changes your circumstances. Its the perfect thing for addicts too; addiction is a disease of the mind. That’s why mindfulness works so well for us.My kids are the absolute best thing to have come from that situation, of which I am so grateful. They are beautiful, precious little mini me’s. I hope open adoption becomes more popular of a thing… Because it worked so well for me ❤️ And its just another huge reason for me to do what I love to do now. Mindfulness has become my whole life. I don’t go an hour without some sort of practice or inner reflection. It brings me joy. It brings me peace ☮️